Monsieur…? One small testicle please and this wine has too many condoms in it ….


Just 10 of my Franco/Anglo Gaffs –  8  of them are RUDE!

A Cuillere in French is a spoon. –  Couille  is slang for testicle. Guess what I once asked the waiter in Paris for to stir my coffee?

My friend’s wife once asked a French waiter for a wild pig instead of an ashtray: Sanglier – wild pig,  cendrier – ashtray

Snowi, a young wild boar (Sus scrofa) in the W...

English: (left) and the condom. Engraving inht...

Preservatifs  in French are condoms. I once asked a Provencal winemaker if he had lots of condoms in his wines………  I should have asked him:  “Y-a-t’ il beaucoup d’agents conservatoires dans les vins?”

Bonder means over-crowded. Bander is the equivalent of having a hard-on or an erection.  At a restaurant one evening I thought I said to the waiter “Oooh, you’re very crowded tonight aren’t you?” when infact I said “Vous êtes très bandé ce soir monsieur.”  At least he laughed.

Baiser is a vulgar term for shagging someone,  it is also a verb to kiss but the French to be on the safe side “donner un bisous” or give a kiss.
Once in Geneva I was introduced to a young man and after forgetting to present my face to him to kiss me on both cheeks I said “oh pardon, j’ai oublié –  on doit se baiser.” (oh sorry I forgot: we have to ….each other”)

Baisser is to lower or turn down: I once asked a taxi driver what I thought was:  “have you turned down the air-conditioning?” but I missed out the “S”……  “Est ce que vous avez baisé la clim? ”

La vache qui regarde passer les trains

La vache qui regarde passer les trains (Photo credit: Kwatoko)

On a train in the South of France an announcement came over the speakers asking for a doctor on board. My girlfriend who was a nurse (infirmiére in French) walked up and presented herself saying: “je suis un fermier.”  (I am a farmer) Very useful in an emergency with a cow perhaps…..

“Je suis tres excitée” does not mean I am really excited! It implies to the French I am really sexually aroused! How many awkward smirks have I innocently elicited with that remark!

Introduire: be careful if you are introducing a woman to a man in French. “J’aimerais vous introduire Alison” means that you would like him to “enter” Alison…..  very tricky and an easy mistake to make. I have done this several times to French titters and smirks. You must say: “J’aimerais vous presenter Alison”

365 Days Project - Day 151 - Pain in the neck!

Cou is your neck and cul is your anus. I once told a hotelier what I thought was: “I have woken up with  a very sore neck and I need to get it massaged or manipulated. Where did he suggest I go to have this done?”

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2 responses to “Monsieur…? One small testicle please and this wine has too many condoms in it ….

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